The Hills Have Eyes 2

I did it. I watched The Hills Have Eyes 2 and survived. I bring you now, dear readers, an in-depth review of its not-so-greatness. If this picture doesn't scare you, my review surely will.

Let me preface this review by saying that I really enjoyed Alexandre Aja’s remake of The Hills Have Eyes. It was tense, gory, and best of all, it actually cared enough about its characters to make them somewhat sympathetic. None of this (except the gore) can be said for The Hills Have Mutant Cannibals 2.

Warning…Spoilers (but you know you’re not going to watch this movie anyway, so read on).

The film begins with a group of scientists who are setting up surveillance equipment in the army research base in the middle of the desert in New Mexico somewhere where the first film concludes. There are a few army dudes around to keep them safe, but they are pretty inept. They thought they had wiped out all the mutants (at some point between the first Hills and this movie…maybe they’re leaving that part open for a part 3 which is really a prequel to part 2 and the true sequel to part 1…who gives a shit) but the remaining mutants have retreated to the underground mines. Soon, the mutants kill off the scientists and the remaining army dudes.

Switch to what appears to be some soldiers fighting in Kandahar, Afghanistan (a sign with the word Kandahar clues the viewer in to this fact, but it is a ruse). This is no ordinary group of U.S. Army soldiers. This is a group of retarded, shit-talking wannabees. The writers (Wes and Jonathan Craven) and director made sure they had their bases covered with this group…we have the angry chicano guy, the nerdy peacenik dude, the cool and controlled black guy, the token hot white chick, the token hot latin chick, the sweetbro white dude who is trying to score with the chicks, the big retarded, lisping oaf whose call-name is Spitter (I couldn’t make this shit up), and a couple of throwaways. It turns out that this group of soldiers is not really in Kandahar and they’re only National Guardsmen. They are performing a training exercise and fail miserably. Their sergeant gives them a good, verbal reaming. Other than this brief training exercise, we are given no back-story on these characters (with the exception of the token hot latin chick…she keeps watching a video of her son on her cell phone. She must love him very much.) The only insight we get into these characters is provided by their constant, annoying, totally useless banter. Soon, this group of misfits are called in to investigate the army research area in New Mexico. In due time, they will be dispatched by a bunch of angry, inbred motherfuckers.

I’ll dispense with discussing any further plot elements or character development at this point. My reason: no more plot or character development occurs in the rest of the film. Because no one will watch this film for insights into human behavior, I will only tell you about the good parts. The only bit of nudity in this film occurs during the opening credits and it’s not the type of nudity you want to see (hint: it has to do with having a baby). The violent deaths occur in the following ways: axe to the head, wallet to the head (yes, a wallet), one guy gets speared, lifted up into the air on the spear, and thrown, a couple of guys fall from high rock ledges to their splattering deaths below, an arm gets chopped off and later thrown at someone, heads get smashed with rocks, eyes get gouged out, brains get picked, rifle barrels get jammed in mouths, a woman gets raped, a groin gets smashed with a mallet, people get shot (lame!), one dude blows himself up with dynamite, etc. There is a room where there are a lot of arms hanging from hooks, bodies cut in half, heads in buckets, stuff in jars. The mutants in this film aren't quite as cool as those in the first remake. One of the mutants has a rock-like growth on his back that helps him blend into the environment. One looks like a little old deformed man with glasses. Another is friendly and sensitive and mentally handicapped (aren't they all?) and helps out our heroes a little. The Big Daddy mutant looks kind of like John Travolta in a fat suit...wait, that's Hairspray. Who wins? Who loses? Who lives? Who dies? Who cares?

Upon the conclusion of the film, I decided to watch the making-of featurette to better understand the intentions of the director and the writers. The director had very little to say, except that this movie was bigger and better and more action-packed than the first remake (which it wasn’t). The best part of the featurette was the discussion with the writers. Wes Craven and his son, Jonathan, admitted to throwing together the script for the film in one month. Let me guess, no rewrites. Permit me to go on a tangent about Wes Craven. In my opinion, this guy has made two good films: A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream. That’s it. The original Hills Have Eyes and its sequel are not good. Last House on the Left is shoddy film-making, released during a time when it could be shocking and somewhat meaningful. The rest of his output is crap. There is a point in his interview when Wes says that when he sees a “horror cliché” he avoids it or turns it on its head. Okay smart guy…how about this for a horror cliché. There is a point in the film where one of the soldiers goes to investigate a cave. Guess what happens? A bunch of bats fly out accompanied by a loud noise. I don’t know which is the more overused, lame-ass jump scare: bats or cats.

That’s about all. If you’re looking for a mediocre, gore-filled horror film to pass 90 minutes of your time, check this shit out. Some of the dialogue is unintentionally funny. The effects are pretty good. The acting is worse than swamp ass.