Appaloosa

This Sunday last, I caught one of them moving pictures, and a darn fine one at that if I do say so myself. This here picture is called Appaloosa, after the breed of horse that them injuns done shown a preference for. But this ain’t no story about no horse, it’s a tale about two hired guns, two real tough sonsabitches* that take over as lawmen in a town called Appaloosa. That’s where the title comes from I reckon. Or it could be the horse like I said previous because the town could be named after a horse. It don’t really matter none. These two here lawmen former mentioned are acted out by Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen. Ed is the weatherworn leader type who’s been through some real tough circunstances in his time on this here rough earth. He’s a dern quick draw with that there Colt revolver and he’s dead-eye ackurate. The other guy with the eyetalian name passes his time as Ed’s silent-type pardner being as he doesn’t talk much but he’s a mighty fine shot with his 8-gauge shotgun and that’s a hell of a gun if I do say so myself which I just done. The required female part that these pictures always got is acted by that woman named Renee Z-whatever and when she done got to the town I couldn’t reckon if she was the same woman who was in that Bridget Jones picture that my whore of a wife is always begging me to sit through. Renee’s face appears to be more pinched up and puckered and squinty-eyed than I recall from times past. And kinda puffy. No matter, I’d ride with her in the hard gallop any old time, heh. The bad guy is this fella named Bragg who is a civilized, high falutin’ type that speaks all them intalectualistic words from books and such. By hell, I wanted to slap his educated mouth or at least force him to eat some road apples to get him to shuddup for once, godammit. Anyways, this here’s a cowboy picture so there’s some gunfights and horse riding and plenty of drinkin of the devil water (the missus won’t let me get near the stuff after the last time I pissed on the goddamn cat to keep it from turding behind the sofa, the filthy demon). There’s even some whores if you’re into that kind of thing and who ain’t? But mostly it’s a story about two men and the cowboy ideals they live by, including concepts such as loyalty and pride and being a man instead of being a pussy. If you’ve got a hankerin for a good quality cowboy movie that ain’t directed by that pansyass Clint**, give a thought to watching Appaloosa. I reckon you just might like it some.

*It done come to my attention that I might could have spelt sonsabitches wrong. The correct spelling and plural grammar of the word is sonofabitches.

**Now listen here. The old Clint of them great Westerns such as The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Unforgiven, A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, and that one about them two mules is a goddamn American icon. The pansyass Clint that I'm speaking about here in this here review is the guy who directed that Midnite Garden movie and the one about the girly boxer.