Hitman

Man, my cinematic quality measuring stick must be knee-deep in colon debris lately. Every movie that I’ve recommended to my friends and foes and acquaintances has been in vain; they tell me they hate the movies and that they fall asleep during them and that I have terrible taste. I told one of my co-workers to watch Body of Lies, which I thought was brilliant. He thought it was boring and didn’t finish it. I’ve recommended In Bruges to nearly everyone, none of whom ever watched it. But who gives a fuck. Vagrancy in Jerkwater USA is all about awesomeness, not a bunch of pussy loving artistic bullshit with meaning. Take my latest favorite movie, Hitman, for example. People think it sucks, but it doesn't.

Hitman is a movie based on a stupid videogame called Hitman where you don’t get to kill too many people because every time you try, alarms go off and you have to hide in a closet or a bathroom stall or beat up some poor minimum wage janitor and steal his clothes so you can wander around in disguise, totally undetected even though you have a barcode tattooed on the back of your bald head. I suck at the game. When a videogame gives me guns, I want to use them, not sneak around and try to strangle people when I have an H&K MP5 under my sweetass custom-made leather bomber jacket. I’m not reviewing the game here though, I’m reviewing the movie. Hitman is directed by a retarded monkey looking dude named Xavier Gens. He has a great eye for cinematic artistry. He implements cool angles and lighting (lots of blue which is the latest trend in cool movies) and awesome poses. He got the Sheriff of Deadwood, Timothy Olyphant, to play the character of the Agent Number Forty-seven of the secret clone hitman squad. Some people said that Timothy doesn’t look good bald, but I disagree. His baldness is menacing. As are his tattoo and his assortment of awesome guns and swords. Olga Kurylenko is in this movie too. You’ll remember her from the beginning of Max Payne and as the Bolivian chick in James Bond and the Quantum of Solace. Her role in Hitman is my favorite of the three; she spends a good portion of the movie bandying her boobies about and her ass and stuff. She is hot. She has a cute little dragon tattoo on her cheek and this is why the Hitman has compassion on her and gets to see her naked. But he’s not super compassionate because he makes her ride around in the trunk of his car alongside a dead body and then he takes her to dinner and tells her to pick up the check even though she’s not finished eating so he can go in the bathroom and shoot some badguy brains all over the walls and stalls and mirror and tile floor. My favorite part of the movie is where the Hitman is fighting a bunch of his super-assassin clone buddies on a train car. They all have their guns pointed at each other in a circle you know where no one can shoot so it’s this crazy standoff. Hitman says something like, “what do you say we die with some dignity?” They all agree and proceed to unload the ammo from their guns and then drop their guns to the floor and then they each pull out two awesome fighting swords from under their shirts and have a kickass swordfight with lots of punching and stabbing. Fucking amazing. My other favorite part of this movie is that it has tons of blood exploding across the screen when people get shot, not like those stupid PG-13 action movies where no one bleeds when they get shot. In Hitman, when a sniper shoots someone in the head, their head explodes. Their blood sprays all over the people next to them. Machine gun bullets tear flesh. I’m glad that Xavier Gens brought some carnage back to the action film. The Bourne trend is getting old. I hate Paul Greengrass. I’m also glad to see a video game adaptation that is enjoyable. So, go rent Hitman and then come back and tell me it sucks because you like Cynicdouchebag, New York.