Sleuth

Sleuth. Say the word a few times. Sleuth, sleuth, sleuth. It sounds kind of ridiculous when uttered aloud. I’m not sure why. It’s just one of those words. And one of those movies. A ridiculous one. I saw the trailer for Sleuth a few months ago and decided to give it a shot. After all, it stars Jude Law and Michael Caine, two pretty okay actors. It’s a remake of an older film of the same name that stars Michael Caine as well (only in the original, which I haven’t seen, Caine plays Jude Law’s character). It’s directed by actor Kenneth Branagh, whose previous directorial efforts mostly include Shakespeare adaptations.

Michael Caine plays an old mystery/thriller writer named Andrew whose wife is cheating on him with an out-of-work actor with really bad hair named Milo (Jude Law). Andrew invites Milo to his home to discuss the affair. Andrew lives in this ridiculous house that has lots of moving walls, weird lights, an elevator, and surveillance equipment that is all controlled by one of those little Apple remotes. My little Apple remote only controls the volume on my computer and enables me to skip past songs that I don’t want to hear. It doesn’t control my security cameras. I got ripped off. I want a remote that controls lighting to paint my apartment in teals and fuchsias. The prop department obviously didn’t watch Bruce Willis’ Hostage to see what a real multi-purpose remote should look like. Instead, they relied on the general stupidity of their intended audience (50+ year-old Michael Caine fans) to not notice their glaring technical mistake. Little did they know, a 32 year-old Jude Law fan (well, I liked him in GATTACA) and proud owner of an Apple computer would watch this film and call them out on their inaccuracies. Bastards.

The entire movie takes place in Andrew’s house. There are only two characters (spoiler). There is a part when you think there might be a third character, but that character is played so poorly and has such bad make-up that you know it’s Jude Law playing Milo trying to trick Andrew. Did I mention how bad Jude Law’s hair is in this? A greasy, stringy, unwashed mop. I think his monstrous coiffure is intentional, as Andrew insists that Milo is a hair stylist by occupation, much to Milo’s chagrin (another weird word, like sleuth, that I just had to work into this review). I think it’s supposed to be a joke but I wasn’t laughing. His hair nearly distracted my attention from the trite, “aren’t we clever”, stage dialogue (if I were British, I would refer to this film’s dialogue as utter drivel; I would also spell behavior as behaviour) and the blatantly terrible overacting. The characters recite some of the lamest lines in the history of bad Michael Caine movies. I’d reproduce some of those lines here but I didn’t take any notes while watching the movie and even if I had, they’d be incomprehensible because I was in the midst of an amazing vicodin buzz (legally prescribed for my recurring intestinal issues), which was a good thing because the pills enabled me to make it through this cinematic mess.

Warning: there are no hot chicks in this movie. Not one. It’s just Michael Caine and Jude Law, enveloped in some sort of bizarre sexual tension. We don’t even get to meet the woman they are fighting over. Also, there isn’t much sleuthing going on…just a bunch of psychological game playing and play acting. Maybe the title is in reference to the scene where Milo dresses up as a detective, but that part of the movie sucks balls (spoiler). Other apt titles for this movie might be: An 86 Minute Conversation Between Two People, Michael Caine is Gay, Shooting Blanks, Incredibly Bad Breath, etc. I can’t really think of anything positive to say about this movie. I would recommend it to all Michael Caine fans, people who like totally unrealistic, overwrought dialogue, and people who say trousers instead of pants or use words like ballyhoo. Cheers.