Trashcan Candy: My Halloween DVD Recommendations

It’s almost Halloween. My favorite time of year. The smells of autumn and decay and muddy, grass-stained footballs. Piles of leaves and pumpkins, some carved, some painted. Costumes: ninjas, pirates, soldiers, draculas, ghosts, princesses, transformers, yodas, pokemons, cowboys, and assorted creativity. Plastic bags and pillow cases. Night arrives earlier. I eat candy, those mini Snickers and Twix and Kit Kat and Hershey’s dark chocolate. I avoid the disgusting Mounds and Almond Joys. Fuck those; trade ‘em for something tasty. I don’t like caramel apples. I don’t want fruit with my candy, just candy. I savor the hard candies like Sweet Tarts and Nerds and Jolly Ranchers. Give me some chewy, teeth sticking stuff too. Real cavity creators. Sour Patch Kids and Swedish Fish. Laffy Taffy. No lemon or orange flavored Starburst, please; I like the cherry and the strawberry ones. Same goes with Skittles, Blo-Pops and Dum Dums. Mmmmm…Tootsie Rolls and Charleston Chew. I absolutely loathe those sickass, sugar-covered orange jelly things. Candy corns are nasty too; Lewis Black told me so. Throw those in the trash. Trashcan candy. I munch candy and watch movies. I watch horror movies into the late hours.

I’ve decided to compile a list of horror movies that I’ve seen in the past year. Some of them are pretty obscure. I’m not going to include any of the traditional horror films in this list; you’ve probably already seen those and I didn’t want to make this into a best-of competition. Many of you will be content with watching Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Alien, The Exorcist, Scream, The Shining, Poltergeist, etc. This list is for those who are looking for something new and different. Some of these films are great; some are awful. It’s all about personal taste. I have attempted to categorize these films to facilitate your selection process.

1. Creature Features:

--Evil Aliens: I’ve already posted a review of this movie here. If you don’t want to read the review, the title of this movie says it all. Crazy-ass evil aliens come to earth and do some crazy-ass evil things. This movie is gory, crude, and crass. It’s only for those who relish abundant gore. Watch it with the kids.

--Cemetery Gates: A movie about a mutant Tasmanian devil. Seriously. This devil rips and shreds everything in its path. Lots of blood and severed limbs. The guys from KNB provide the gore effects and even have a small cameo. If you like gory horror/comedies, check this out. Amazing stuff.

--Abominable: An interesting take on the Bigfoot legend. I think this played on the Sci-Fi channel, but if you only saw it there, you need to rent the R-rated version. The plot is loosely based on Hitchcock’s Rear Window. Watch it for the best face-bite scene ever. Boobies included with rental.

2. Ghost Stories/Supernatural:

--Dead End: A family is on its way to visit the relatives for Christmas. The husband/father decides to take a shortcut. Things go wrong. This stretch of road and the woods beyond seem haunted. Dead End is a scary, atmospheric flick that relies on creating tension with subtlety.

--The Abandoned: One of those low-budget, After Dark Horrorfest movies. This is the best-directed one of the bunch. It’s a haunted house story with great visuals and some legitimately scary moments.

--Master’s of Horror: The Black Cat: I reviewed this a while ago here. Stuart Gordon directs this installment of the Master’s of Horror series. The story revolves around Edgar Allan Poe (played perfectly by Jeffery Combs) as he tries desperately to pen his famous tale, The Black Cat. This is my favorite episode from both seasons of Master’s of Horror.

3. Werewolves:

--Ginger Snaps: I wish more people would see this film. It’s an amazing, low-budget werewolf movie with a great story. Two sisters with macabre sensibilities face some difficult times when one of them is bitten by a werewolf. The dialog is crisp and hilarious. The direction is great. The acting (especially of the two leads) is perfect. Highly recommended. Rent it, dammit.

--Big Bad Wolf: This movie features a wiseass, shit-talking werewolf. He’s mean and vulgar and hungry. The werewolf costume is pretty funny; you can totally tell it’s a guy in a suit. His face looks hilarious. This film lags in the middle section but delivers the gore.

4. Crazy Killers:

--Satan’s Little Helper: This is the craziest, most twisted movie on this list. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. There’s this really annoying kid that plays the lead part. He has a video game he constantly plays called Satan’s Little Helper. On Halloween, the kid encounters a costumed killer who he believes is Satan. The kid follows this dude around and helps him out. Bizarre and creepy.

--Penny Dreadful: Another After Dark Horrorfest film. The plot consists of a girl named Penny who has a fear of cars (she was in a traumatic auto accident when she was a kid). As part of her therapy, her psychiatrist takes her on a road trip. They pick up a hitchhiker. All goes to shit. This is a pretty intense little film. I liked it a lot.

--The Breed: In this movie, the crazy killers are dogs. A bunch of kids go to an island to party. The island used to have some government facility that did some sort of genetic engineering testing (you know the drill). A bunch of angry dogs that live on the island attack the kids. Michelle Rodriguez is in this. Real dogs are used…no CGI.

5. Vampires:

--The Insatiable: Another film that I reviewed here. This is a vampire movie, but not in the traditional sense. It’s a character driven piece that features decent acting and writing. There’s not a lot of gore here and it’s not all that scary, but it’s worth taking a look at if you like this kind of stuff.

--The Thirst: This movie kind of reminds me of Near Dark. It centers on a group of vampires that hang out together and party in that bloody vampire way; they go clubbing. Tits and blood and Jeremy Sisto. The vampire’s addiction to blood is portrayed like an addict’s addiction to heroin. There’s a lot of dark humor here; some plays well, some doesn’t.

So, that’s it…my long-ass (think of butts from 80’s T&A films, like Porky’s or Up The Creek) list. I hope some of you take a little time out of your busy Halloween schedule to enjoy one or two of these films. I apologize in advance if you have a bad experience. Remember, these are horror movies, and low-budget ones at that. Keep your expectations low. Watch with alcohol. Keep your pants on.