Rambo

Te vau bou no tre mon koo sop BOOM va keunbow lo se RATATATATATATAT ming how loon kon sing mong BANG aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! SPLAT. Live for nothing or die for something, mumble, Burma, mumble, it’s a war zone, blah, blah, something unintelligible…RATATATATATAT, pop, pop, SWOOSH, BOOM!!! Yep, I’m reviewing Rambo.

Rambo, the fourth film in the series, not to be confused with Rambo: First Blood Part II, was originally going to be called John Rambo. I’m not sure why Stallone changed the title. I’m just not willing to do the research on that one. This film is not a remake of the other Rambo; it’s a new, frenetic and brutal beast of a movie that features an aged, yet competent Sylvester Stallone in the acting, writing, and directing roles. I missed Rambo when it hit theatres this last winter. I was too busy not watching movies in theatres but instead watching movies on DVD in my apartment. It’s become a rare occurrence when I courageously venture to that fabled land of talkative, texting teens and their blue cell-phone glows. After watching it, I’m kind of bummed that I missed out on the possible community experience that would have made this movie that much more special. You know what I’m talking about. Getting hammered and seeing this movie in a theatre full of other hammered dudes (and the few awesome chicks that support this kind of mayhem), laughing at the lame one liners and useless dialogue and cheering and yelling and fist-pumping as John motherfucking Rambo mans the 50-caliber and shreds through wave after wave of Burmese soldiers. I watched it alone with the surround cranked up. And still loved it.

Rambo IV begins in Thailand. Rambo is a snake hunter; he catches cobras and sells them to retards that put on snake charming or see-how-pissed-off-you-can-make-the-snake type shows. He owns, maintains, and lives on a shitty old boat. He’s depressed and grumpy and dirty and can barely speak coherent sentences. Some Christian missionaries from Colorado (props) show up and ask Rambo if he’ll take them into Burma so they can deliver supplies and medical aid to oppressed civilians. Rambo tells the leader of the group, “no way, pal.” He doesn’t really say that but he tells them that their efforts won’t change anything because nothing ever changes which is the message of this film and the theme of Rambo’s life. Nothing ever changes. One of the women in the group, a missionary named Sarah (played by Dexter’s girlfriend), tries to convince Rambo to take them and he says no to her a few times before finally giving in to her wily, womanly ways. Rambo takes the group into Burma and shit happens and Rambo has to save them, along with a motley group of mercenaries. That’s the plot. It’s just an excuse to get Rambo out of his quiet, isolated shell and behind the armor shield of a jeep-mounted 50-caliber machine gun.

I’ve never before seen so many detached limbs, exploding heads, and severed bodies in a single film. This movie is Violent (with a capital V, twice). Rambo rips through the badguys on his quest to save Dexter’s girlfriend and the Christians. He crafts his own knife from hot metal to do so. He is relentless; he gets shit done. There’s a scene in this movie (to which I’ve alluded twice in this review already) that rivals the violence of the opening sequence in Saving Private Ryan. Real-life soldiers who have seen the film confirm that the effects of the gun in said scene are completely realistic. Wow. I watched the special features to get some background info on this stuff. You can too.

Now comes the requisite point of the review where I compare Rambo to the previous films in the series. That’s easy. This is the second best film in the series, following the unbeatable First Blood. This movie greatly surpasses the slick 80’s violence of Rambo: First Blood Part II and the steaming pile of poop that is Rambo III. I love the direction that Stallone employs…a shaky, stalking camera movement that he claims is what the film would look like if Rambo himself directed it. Stallone brings John Rambo back to the people and the people rejoice. Yea, the people weep with joy.