Next

I’ve never read any Philip K. Dick stories, but I’ve seen a lot of movie adaptations of his work (Blade Runner, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly, etc.). I enjoy watching sci-fi movies but can’t really get into the books; I’d rather read Cormac McCarthy or Don DeLillo. I recently watched another adaptation of a Dick story, The Golden Man. This one is directed by everyone’s favorite James Bond director Lee Tamahori. It stars Nicholas Cage (The Wicker Man) and Jessica Biel (Stealth). It’s called Next.

Lee Tamahori gets a lot of shit for having directed one of the worst installments in the James Bond oeuvre, Die Another Day. I kind of enjoyed Die Another Day until the absolutely atrocious CGI iceberg windsurfing scene. I think the pre-credit sequence is one of the better openings to a James Bond film. Following his experience with Pierce Brosnan, Tamahori directed Ice Cube in the sequel to XXX, xXx: State of the Union. [Tangent: I think the big X in between the two small x’s signifies that it is the second movie in the franchise. When XXX 3 comes out it’ll be called xxX: Super-Spies Like Us. The new triple-X will be a chick.] I really like State of the Union. It’s a pretty great, brainless action film that succeeds where the Vin Diesel film fails.

Enough about XXX. This review concerns Tamahori’s latest film, Next. I didn’t see this in theatres. The trailer made it look pretty bad. Also, it came on the heels of that Denzel Washington/Tony Scott film Déjà Vu. I can only handle one time-bending adventure at a time. I had to wait for this one on DVD.

Nick Cage plays a sleazy, Las Vegas magician stage-named Frank Cadillac (total porn name). His real name is Chris Johnson (remember those Big Johnson t-shirts?). He works in a low-class casino on Fremont Street, entertaining small audiences of drunks and geriatrics. He uses his magic act as a cover for his unique psychic ability; he can see anything that directly affects his life a few minutes before it happens. He uses this ability to win at gambling and to test out his favorite pick-up lines. An FBI agent, played by Julianne Moore (The Big Lebowski), discovers Frank’s talent and decides that he would be helpful in the FBI’s search for a nuclear device that has been planted somewhere in the Southwest. Chris doesn’t want to get involved, so he does what any good citizen would do; he evades them. He’d rather find a woman he’s been seeing in his future visions. Introduce Jessica Biel. He meets her in a diner where he knew she’d show up at a specific time. You see, he can see things regarding her life much further into the future than his own. They have an awkward encounter and soon take off together in her car (I wish that I possessed Nick Cage’s lady-slaying skills; he’s a real charmer). The FBI chases after them. The movie becomes a big chase sequence, an excuse for action sets and explosions.

This movie revels in its ridiculousness. The action sequences are beyond absurd. There’s a scene that you probably remember from the preview, which involves Nick Cage running down a hill and ducking at the last moment as an SUV crashes and flips over him. That SUV belongs to Jessica Biel. She sacrifices it in honor of a love that is only a few hours old. That’s dedication. It’s also a weak plot point. The relationship between Biel and Cage is strained, awkward, forced, and totally unrealistic. Its sole purpose is to push the action forward and I’m cool with that. Give me the action. I’m a slobbering, blathering, action-is-my-heroin junkie. There are some pretty crazy gunfights, none of which expose a drop of blood (gotta ensure that PG-13 rating). Terrorist plots. Anonymous vans. Rata-tat-tat-tat. Jessica Biel wheelchair bombs and Nick Cage clones. A twist ending that didn’t piss me off. Simon says, “Stop. Go.” Fragments, fragments, I write in fragments.

I enjoyed this movie. It’s retarded, but fun…kinda like your girlfriend. I learned a few things from this movie, as well. Las Vegas has railroad crossings that don’t have those descending, flashing gates. Also, if you work for the FBI and don’t agree with your superior, you should always preface your disagreement with the phrase, “with all due respect, sir.” Dialogue for Action Films 101. The end is imminent.

PS: If you think this movie requires a second viewing to understand the plot-twist, you don't get a second chance at not being a retard.