Hannibal Rising

Hannibal Rising (directed by Peter Webber) is the fifth entry in the Hannibal the Cannibal series of films. It is a prequel to the prequel of the Silence of the Lambs. That means it is set before the events of Red Dragon, which was released after Hannibal but was a remake of Michael Mann’s Manhunter, the events of which take place before Silence of the Lambs. Confused? Good. Hannibal Rising is an origin story. It reveals the motives of America’s favorite fictional serial killer. It is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I’m not exaggerating.

I’m just going to throw my thoughts about this movie at this computer screen and see what happens. SPLAT! Hannibal Lecter is an eight year-old boy, living with his rich parents and his younger sister (Misha) in Lithuania during the German invasion of Russia during World War II. The evil Germans, expressing massive under-bites, invade the town where The Lecters live and proceed to kill the Jews and gypsies and enlist some of the local Lithuanians to help them continue their slaughter. The Lecter family moves to a secluded farm house to wait out the invasion. After a while, a big tank rumbles toward their house, knocking down all the trees in its path. We witness this from what I believe is the first ever Tank-Cam shot. It’s hilarious. The tank parks in front of their house and some German planes fly over and shooting commences and shit blows up and Hannibal’s parents die and he and his sister are left to fend for themselves in the wintry desolation with no food. A group of converted Lithuanian Nazi bastards shows up at the house and taunts little Hannibal and little Misha. These guys are evil. The leader bites a pheasant’s head off and eats it, feathers and all. He’s a fucking loon. When these assholes realize that they are going to run out of food, they decide to eat the kids. Misha gets grubbed first, but we don’t see it. That would be way too rough for an R-rated movie. Little Hanny escapes. We learn about his sister’s death and his escape through his music-video-edited nightmares. Spoiler: This is why Hannibal is a cannibal. Hannibal grows up in an orphanage which is ironically located in his parents’ old mansion. Now he’s older. Some kid makes fun of him and pays the price. Hanny turns him into a scarecrow. He takes off for Paris in search of his aunt and uncle. His aunt is Japanese and his uncle is dead. The Hannister moves in with his aunt and begins to study medicine so he can become a doctor like he is in the other movies. His aunt teaches him some cool Japanese shit. He learns samurai sword-fighting techniques. He finds a cool mask (more on that later). He kills some butcher guy that makes fun of his aunt (he remarks that Japanese women have horizontal you-know-whats). The local detective, played by the guy who plays Jimmy McNulty on HBO’s The Wire, investigates the murder and suspects The Hannister but old Hanny-balls gets away with it. The detective pops up at other random moments in the movie but nothing ever comes of his investigation and, consequently, his part is worthless. We soon learn that Hanny’s ultimate goal in life is to avenge the death of his sister by killing all the dudes who ate her. He goes back to the secluded, burned-out home and salvages some dog tags that identify the men. He hunts them down and kills them, one by one. This movie is two hours long.

First off: The kid who plays Hannibal is a terrible, sucky actor. I tried to find his name on imdb, but it wasn’t listed and I wasn’t going to spend any more time on it than that. His line delivery is cringe-inducing. He has this dimple/scar thing on left side of face that I found myself constantly staring at. It made me uncomfortable. I wanted to punch it. His pouty-mouth pissed me off. The only good actor in this movie is Jimmy McNulty, but his part doesn’t matter.

Second off: There is no sense of tension or suspense in the movie. We already know that Hannibal has to survive because he has to be in Manhunter, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, and Red Dragon. We already understand everything about him from the other four movies. The story strives to be relevant by providing answers to the following questions: Why does Hanny eat people? Why is he so civilized? Why is he so evil? Why does he wear that weird mouth-covering mask in Silence of the Lambs? The problem is that these questions have already been answered in the previous books and films, except for the last one. (Sarcasm on) We learn that Hannibal isn’t forced to wear the mask as a safety precaution to his psychiatric handlers; he wears the mask because his aunt has one that looks just like it, only cooler. See, he grew up with the mask; the mask is part of him just like Michael Myers’ Shatner disguise or Jason’s hockey mask lend to their identities.

Third off: The gore in this movie is weak. Most of the kills are shot from a distance, or in the dark, or they cut away completely…and I watched the unrated version. Killings occur in the following ways: decapitation, drowning, stabbing, a guy tied to a tree with rope which is also attached to a horse that pulls the rope taut by walking away and the guy’s head explodes off (but it doesn’t show it…just a little blood spray on Han’s face). The final kill consists of Hannibal cutting the letter M into the chest of the main bad guy while saying, “M for Misha”. Then he probably eats his cheeks or something. This movie is all about cheeks.

Fourth off: All of the dialogue in the film is completely unnecessary. It’s just like the dialogue in a cartoon. Everyone explains everything they are doing and why they are doing it. Thomas Harris, the author of the book, is billed as the screenwriter for the film. It is embarrassing to think that a once-decent author could pen something this terrible. Here is an example of a line that jumped right off the screen and imbedded itself in my unwitting brain: “What he is now, there’s no word for it…except monster.” Read that again. And again. That line has to be straight out of Writing Dialogue for Scooby-Doo 101. Many scenes consist entirely of grunting and yelling: “Hannibal!” “Misha!” “Mama!” “Papa!”. In one scene at the beginning of the movie, a guy deployed on a tank’s machine gun turret yells “RUUAAAWRGH!!!” as he fires at an incoming plane. A genuine Matrix Revolutions moment. Some of the lines are so mumbled and garbled you can’t discern what’s being said. It doesn’t matter. You could watch this movie on mute and still understand everything that’s happening.

Last off: I hope Peter Webber never directs another movie. I hope he gets demoted to shooting Viva Viagra commercials. I pray that Thomas Harris never sets pen to paper again for the rest of his life. Too harsh? Fuck it, they deserve it.