Coming Soon: Favorite Films of 2009

I'm currently compiling a list of my favorite films of 2009. There are still a couple of movies that come out on DVD in the next few weeks that I want to watch before I finalize my list. I don't think my top three favorites will change, but the order of the list after that is still up in the air. I'm also hoping to see The White Ribbon soon if I can find a theatre that's showing it. Peace.

Favorite Albums of 2009

Here is a list of my favorite albums from the year 2009 in descending order from 11 to 1. 1 is the best. 11 is the least best. There are 11 albums because 10 are too few. 12 are too many. May your list not be as cool as mine. While I respect The Dirty Projectors' valiant effort called Bitte Orca, it's really not my thing so it didn't make my list but it made everyone else's instead. That's good.

11. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix--Phoenix

A good friend turned me onto Phoenix this year. I wasn't as hip as you as I didn't run out and buy their album after I watched Lost in Translation. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is extremely catchy and fun. I haven't gotten bored of it yet.

10. Sunrise in the Land of Milk and Honey--Cracker

This new Cracker album is my favorite since The Golden Age. All the songs are great. Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out With Me is as good as anything Lowery has ever written.

9. There Is No Enemy--Built to Spill

It's probably unfair to the many new bands making so-called waves this year, but Built to Spill is always guaranteed a space on my list. Hindsight is my favorite song of the year and the entire album is consistently great.

8. 3 Rounds and a Sound--Blind Pilot

Blind Pilot's album is the only debut album on my list. See...I like new stuff too. It's a mellow, folky outing, kind of like Vetiver or something. I hope these guys continue to make good music and don't end up being part of a "supergroup" like Monsters of Folk or Chickenfoot.

7. Welcome Joy--The Cave Singers

Pure dark-folk goodness. Welcome Joy is a welcome joy to behold or some such shit. I really dig it.

6. White Water, White Bloom--Sea Wolf

A perfect album for teenage girls who like moody, romantic lyrics full of natural imagery. Pitchfork hates this album because it comes from a band that is part of the Silverlake music scene. "Love the music/hate the scene" is my motto. Fuck pretension. Fuck Pitchfork.

5. Tight Knit--Vetiver

One of the most relaxing listening experiences I had this year. The lead singer looks like he's retarded, but his songwriting ability proves otherwise. I wish Wishing Well made the album, but it's a pretty great exclusive 7" that assholes like me can show off.

4. It's Frightening--White Rabbits

Yes, they sound like Spoon. That's a great thing. Britt Daniel produced this album and it really compliments the White Rabbits musical sensibilities. If the first two tracks don't blow your mind, perhaps some Dirty Projectors will.

3. Wilco (the album)--Wilco

I don't know what it is about the new Wilco album that I like so much. I just love it. I've listened to it more than anything else on my list and in my iTunes library by far. Everything comes together like it's supposed to. Wilco making great music.

2. Embryonic--The Flaming Lips

Wow. The Flaming Lips completely shredded my expectations with this record. They abandoned the ELO tendencies of their last two albums and released a dirty, dark, dreary, distorted mess of music that perfectly compliments the Silver Trembling Fetus Christmas tree ornament I recently bought from their website. To top it all off, they just released an amazing cover of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album. Genius. Absolutely genius.

1. Crack the Skye--Mastodon

A perfect concept album. A perfect metal album. A perfect rock album. An amazing live show. Mastodon rules.

Top 9 Movies Of 2008

I forgot to make a Best Movies of 2008 list at the end of 2008. I’ve been on lots of medication, so I forget lots of stuff. It’s April now, and I still haven’t seen any of the movies that were nominated for Best Picture. Slumdog Millionaire comes out today, but I don’t feel like watching it. I hate feel good movies, even if they are directed by Danny Boyle, unless those feel good movies are called Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade. Here is my list, with explanations:

9. Iron Man—Robert Downey Jr. is the best actor working today. I enjoyed Iron Man, but mainly for his performance. If anyone else played the part, this movie wouldn’t be on my list.

8. Burn After Reading—A lesser Coen Brothers work, but still a great movie. I love George Clooney’s performance and the awesome chair he builds.

7. Quantum of Solace—Not as good as Casino Royale, but it didn’t have to be. It’s best when viewed as the third act in one really long movie rather than a sequel. The action and stunts are great. Daniel Craig is the best Bond.

6. Appaloosa—I really liked this Western. The violence is quick and harsh. The dialogue is witty and funny. The scenery is amazing, especially on BluRay.

5. The Dark Knight—It’s a shame that Christopher Nolan didn’t win a Best Director Oscar for the Batman sequel. The IMAX shots, especially during the action sequences, are unparalleled. Heath Ledger’s performance is iconic. Sure, this movie is a bit long and has some problems, but it’s damn entertaining.

4. Rambo—John Rambo returns, this time to fight the oppressive Myanmar soldiers in Burma. It features tons of violence and great one-liners. A fun, family film.

3. Tropic Thunder—Easily the funniest movie of the year. I’ll be quoting this film for years. Great stuff.

2. Body of Lies—Ridley Scott makes a topical, extremely entertaining action movie that nobody sees. It features one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s best performances as well as a pretty fine performance by Russell Crowe. The action sequences are amazing and the ending is intense.

1. In Bruges—Not just my favorite film of 2008, but one of my favorite films of the decade. The script is perfect. The acting is superb. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. It’ll remain an undiscovered gem.

The Nods, 2009

So, the Oscar nominations came out today. The Nods. The first thing I noticed is that I haven't seen any of the movies in the Best Picture category. Never happened to me before. The second (and most awesome) thing I noticed is that Robert Downey Jr. is nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his performance in Tropic Thunder. He'll lose to Heath Ledger, but it's still great that he got some recognition for his amazing role. The third thing I noticed is that Martin McDonagh is nominated for his brilliant original screenplay, In Bruges. At least my favorite film of 2008 got one Nod. Also, good luck to Danny Boyle. I hope he brings home a statue. I won't publish the full list or link to it here because I am lazy. You can find it with Google or something if you want to see all the details.

My Comcast Experience

I recently upgraded my home theatre set-up. I bought a 40" Sony Bravia LCD TV with 1080p resolution. It replaced my old 30" Sony Wega tube set. The Wega weighs 150 pounds and I didn't want to carry it up the three flights of stairs to my new apartment. I also retired my 10 year-old Kenwood receiver. My new Denon reciever has 3 HDMI inputs and one HDMI out (to the TV). HDMI carries both video and audio signals with one cable. Awesome. I have a PS3 and an Xbox 360 that both use HDMI. My Comcast cable box, however, uses only component video. It doesn't have an HDMI port. So I called Comcast to see if I could get one of the newer HDMI boxes. The first person I talked to said that they were out of the HDMI boxes and that I should call back in a week. When I called again about 10 days later, the second person I spoke with told me that some Comcast centers had them and that some didn't. The ones that had them only had a few and they were "spoken for". He told me he'd call me back the next day with more information. He didn't. I called again and the third person told me that they didn't have any HDMI boxes. I asked if I could be put on a waiting list or something and she said no. I told her I'd look at other options. I called Dish Network and within two days was switched over. My Dish box has HDMI and a huge capacity DVR. Dish also has more HD channels than Comcast (who likes to brag about their HD "programming" which includes their OnDemand service that sucks my balls with its crappy free movies...see my Cliffhanger rant in my review of Red). So, I called Comcast to cancel my cable and return their equipment. The guy I spoke with asked why I was cancelling. I told him about my problems with trying to get an HDMI box. He told me it would be no problem to get one. Pissed me off. The only way I can get anyone at Comcast to work with me is if I threaten to cancel my service? Nice business model, douchebags. I've been a Comcast customer since 2002 and this is how they treat me. What they do is they give the new HDMI boxes to new customers ("spoken for") and don't upgrade their existing customers until they threaten to cancel. Well, I canceled. And I won't be going back. Take your OnDemand HD Cliffhangers and shove them up your component port-holes, bastards.

Glen Phillips at the Fox

Hey kids, remember that band Toad the Wet Sprocket? I do, too. They had a bunch of songs on the radio during the early to mid 90’s. My sister introduced me to their music when I was a lowly high school sophomore (“walk on the water, step on the stones”). I remember eagerly anticipating the release of Dulcinea. It became one of my favorite albums during that period of my life and I consider it to be one of the best albums of the 1990’s. Windmills, Nanci, and Fly From Heaven are amazing songs. Glen Phillips’ voice is unique, expressive, and pitch-perfect. When Toad disbanded in the late 90’s, Glen continued his songwriting as a solo artist. He released Abulum in 2001, followed by Winter Pays For Summer in 2005, and Mr. Lemons in 2006. He also has a live album and two EP’s. The newest EP (and his latest work) is called Secrets of the New Explorers. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Glen played a concert at the beautiful Fox Theater in Boulder, Colorado on Sunday night. Since I don’t have any friends, I went by myself. I needed to get out of my apartment, and what better opportunity to do that than to attend a Glen Phillips concert (I was also hoping to meet some Boulder chicks, but to no avail). There were probably about 200 people in attendance. A musician named jonathan Kingham opened the show. I spell his name with a lower case j here because he told us that’s how he likes it spelled. He played some of his own songs and a cover of Bobby Brown’s Every Little Step, during which he performed a hilarious freestyle rap about Suburus, sushi, and such. He is a very entertaining performer and a great songwriter. His between song banter was witty and humorous. He joined Glen on stage for a few songs during Glen’s set; his backup vocals and guitar playing really complemented the tunes.

Glen’s set was awesome. Just vocals and acoustic guitar. I’m not going to go into a song by song synopsis; I’ll just provide a few of my observations. He opened with a really depressing but beautiful song entitled Marigolds. As he continued through his set, a few people in the crowd kept shouting out requests for Toad songs. Glen finally (and rightfully) told them that if they wanted to only hear Toad songs, they were at the wrong concert. He explained that the more that people request Toad songs, the less he wants to play them and that he has written hundreds of fucking songs since the Toad days. I couldn’t agree more. I really like his post-Toad solo albums. I think he has improved as a songwriter. He did play a few Toad songs including Windmills, Walk on the Water, Nanci, and All I Want. They were great. But my favorite songs of the set were Everything But You and Marigolds from Mr. Lemons, Duck and Cover from Winter Pays For Summer, Fred Meyers and Train Wreck (my all-time favorite Glen Phillips song) from Abulum, and Solar Flare from Secrets of the New Explorers. He also played a couple of songs from an upcoming project that he said might be called The Scrolls (featuring members from Nickel Creek and Benmont Tench of The Heartbreakers). I’m really looking forward to the new material. The entire show was recorded and made available for purchase a few minutes after the last song. I bought a copy and am very impressed with how good it sounds.

Back to the new EP. Secrets of the New Explorers is comprised of six tracks based on the theme of privatized space travel. It deals with alienation, commercialism, murder, love, and death. This is one of my favorite records of the year (it's still early, but I'm sure it'll be there at the end of the year). Solar Flare begins with the verse, “Goodnight moon, goodnight air, goodnight captain in the captain’s chair, goodbye teeth and goodbye hair, you were taken by the solar flare” and continues in a catchy, sing-along fashion. I love it. The only thing about this album that I hate is that it so closely resembles the project I’ve been working on for the past five years. I wrote a concept album, an entire album based around the idea of a lone spaceman that everyone forgets about, whom no one cares about, who ends up drifting through space while thinking about his wasted opportunities and what he would do over again if he could. One of the songs, To Disengage At Last, is posted on my myspace page. I’ve posted others in the past and hope to finalize the album soon. Who knows…maybe Glen Phillips will listen to it, like it, and help make me famous? Maybe not.

If you get a chance to see Glen Phillips, forget about your perceived indie credibility and go. “Get undressed in the mesosphere, get hot in the thermosphere.”

My Favorite Albums of 2007

I decided to compile a list of my favorite albums of 2007. Sorry that this is almost a month late. I’ve loosely categorized my selections. Enjoy.

Best Camaro Rock Album
Year Long Disaster—Year Long Disaster
I saw these guys open for Clutch at a show in Boulder. They kind of remind me last year’s Best Camaro Rock Album winner, Priestess. The lead singer/guitarist is amazing. The album artwork is pretty cool too. If you want some dirty, Z-28 rock, this is what you need.


Best World Music Album
Iron & Wine—The Shepherd’s Dog
Usually this category is reserved for Paul Simon, Peter Gabriel, Sting, and Seal. We have a surprise winner this year: Iron & Wine’s The Shepherd’s Dog. There is some amazing bongo/conga work on this one. Lots of percussion. Sam Beam wins the Rusted Root Golden Bongo Award for this effort.


Best Adult Contemporary/Mid-tempo Rock Album
Wilco—Sky Blue Sky

I love this album. It continues Wilco’s progression away from “indie” credibility and brings them closer to being the Fleetwood Mac of our generation (unless Midlake claims that title first). The title track of the album is one of Jeff Tweedy’s best songs since Far, Far Away.


Best Hip-Hop or Rap Album
Lifesavas—Gutterfly
If it’s Quannum, it’s usually great. These Portland wordsmiths have created an amazing concept album. I love it. Much better than Kanye or Jay-Z or DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince. Almost as good as Lyrics Born.




Best “Indie” Rock Album
Spoon-Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
I guess Spoon is still considered “indie” rock. I’m not sure. I really enjoy this record, from beginning to end. The Underdog is great enough to be my current cellphone ringtone. Blitzen Trapper’s Wild Mountain Nation ran a close second.



Best Metal Album
Orange Goblin—Healing Through Fire
This category was a close call. I really like High on Fire’s Death is this Communion, but the pure rock riffage of Healing Through Fire is amazing. The songs Ballad of Solomon Eagle and Hound’s Ditch are pummeling.




Best Overall Album
Sea Wolf—Leaves in the River
This category is for the album I liked best, regardless of genre. It’s the album that gets the most play on my iPod. Sea Wolf is the big winner; high fives all around. The song You’re A Wolf is genius. Thanks for being cool you LA dudes.



That’s it. I’m sorry if I offended anyone with my picks. I apologize if I left off your favorite album of 2007. Be well.

Radiohead Rant, Vol. 1

The following is an essay/rant that I wrote about Radiohead. If you don’t like Radiohead, this probably won’t mean much to you. Get back to playing World of Warcraft or watching anime or reading comics or whatever it is you kids do these days. Go see Saw 4. Radiohead has played a big part in my appreciation of contemporary rock music. I hope that point comes across in the thoughts I have expressed here. This is basically one long, disjointed paragraph. Expect fragments and odd punctuation and a negative review of In Rainbows.

I bought Radiohead’s first album, Pablo Honey, after hearing the song Creep on the radio in 1993. I liked the song a lot. Chug Chug…Chug Chug. That amazing distortion. It’s probably not cool to admit that now, but that’s the truth. The album had the radio version and the fuck version. I was living in the dorms at BYU when I got it and I loved to blast the fuck version of Creep on my CD boombox, much to the annoyance of my prudish, profanity-allergic neighbors. I was an asshole like that. I remember listening to the entire album non-stop and never tiring of it. My favorite songs were Stop Whispering and Vegetable. I still love those songs. When the single for My Iron Lung was released, I recall going to this little record store just south of campus (called Sonic Garden, IIRC) and listening to it at one of their listening stations. I was blown away. It was a lot different than any of the songs on Pablo Honey; it was edgier and darker. I loved it. I didn’t get a chance to buy The Bends when it was released because I went on a two-year mission for the coalition of Joseph Smith/Jesus Christ/Gordon B. Hinckley. I missed out on a lot of music during those two years (our rules for being holy forbade it), but I sought it out whenever possible. I remember hearing Street Spirit on the radio in El Paso and thinking that it was one of the coolest songs I had ever heard. When I got home from my religious sojourn, the first two CD’s I purchased were The Bends and the then just-released OK Computer. The Bends is a great album through and through. Everyone knows that. Everyone agrees. How about OK Computer? That album changed the way I listened to music. It changed my perception of song-writing. Paranoid Android blew me away. It still does. It is one of the greatest songs ever written. OK Computer is the perfect album. I remember critics claiming that it succeeded where U2’s Pop failed; it was the album that would usher in the new millennium. A sense of artificiality and alienation. When I listen to it, I have to listen to the whole thing in its entirety, usually with the lights out and no other distractions. If I smoked pot (I don’t), I’d smoke it while listening to OK Computer. It made me stop listening to Dave Matthews Band (which may be ironic if Radiohead signs with Dave’s ATO records). I went into a Radiohead frenzy. I bought all their singles just for the b-sides. I bought the Airbag EP. Palo Alto and Polyethylene. The prospect of a new album…anxiously awaiting. Kid A arrives. I hated it. I felt like gluing black felt to its surface and turning it into a coaster. It could keep the water rings off my coffee table. Beeps and clicks and repetitive tones. Incoherent vocals and garbled melodies. It made no sense. This couldn’t be the Radiohead I had spent significant portions of my time listening to. I decided to give it a chance. I listened to it and listened to it and listened to it and I still listen to it and I still hate it. It’s boring. I like a couple of tracks, but nothing even comes close to my adoration for any of the songs on OK Computer or The Bends. Less than a year later, we get Amnesiac. I liked it a little better than Kid A, but it’s more of the same. The only standout track is Pyramid Song. It sounds like it could have been a b-side to an OK Computer song. Disappointment dawned. Was this the new musical direction in which Mr. Yorke had decided to take his band? Experimentation for experimentation’s sake? Sonic burps and backwards beats? Unintelligible phrases? Where did the twin telecasters go? I felt abandoned. A few years later and Hail to the Thief. 2+2=5. This feels like Radiohead. I can actually understand the vocals. At the 1:53 mark the song kicks in. At 2:26 Radiohead is back. Then the album moves on with a lot of the Kid A/Amnesiac type droney material, but the vocals are better, the song structure is tighter, and there’s more natural instrumentation to accompany the beeps and pops; I like it. Go To Sleep is a moment of genius. There There begins with that rhythmic, primitive Tom Tom march. It builds and builds and builds; the layering is perfect. Unlike the songs on Hail to the Thief’s two predecessors, these songs stand out from one another. I can get them stuck in my head. The semi-funk bass-line of A Punch Up at a Wedding. The synth-driven Myxomatosis. The three-four Wolf at the Door. While Hail to the Thief is not my favorite Radiohead album, it has great moments. And that is the major fault I find with Radiohead’s new album, In Rainbows. It lacks great moments. The first track, 15 Step, is my favorite song on the record, until it hits the part with the kids yelling. Is this Yoshimi? Is it Another Brick in the Wall? It doesn’t fit. I don’t need the gimmicks. The second song, Bodysnatchers, tries to rock, but it never reaches the pure energy of songs like Paranoid Android, My Iron Lung, and 2+2=5. The rest of the songs are a boring blur. Back to the artificial beats, the blips, the crackles and snaps, the mumbled vocals, all awash in a sea of strings and synths. Not enough guitars; too many violins and cellos. Enough already with melodramatic orchestration. If the songs are good, they don’t need the padding. Some of the lyrics are downright trite: “I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover” and “your eyes, they turn me.” I was hoping this would be a great Radiohead album. It’s better than Kid A. It’s not quite as good as Amnesiac. Maybe I’ll get a better feeling for it after a few more listens. Maybe they put a bunch of great songs on that bonus disc that you only get if you order the expensive box-set with the vinyl edition of the album. Maybe I’m pining for a Radiohead that no longer exists. Stop whispering, start shouting.

A technical issue:
The first thing I noticed when I put the disc in my car (mp3’s converted to .wav) was how quiet the songs were. I listen to most of my CD’s in my car at a volume level of 15 (I know this is arbitrary, but play along). I had to turn In Rainbows up to at least 18 to get it to sound good. Even at 18, the bass frequencies are too quiet. I’m wondering if the album hasn’t been properly mastered quite yet, given the quick release. Will it be mastered at a higher level on the subsequent CD release early next year (if anyone has any info on this, please let me know)? If so, I feel bad for anyone who paid a significant sum for an unfinished product.

Appendix 1/31/08:
After listening to the CD version of In Rainbows multiple times, I've grown more fond of it. It sounds much better than the original mp3's I listened to. I'm still upset that they didn't fill it out with the songs from the exclusive second disc. A few of those songs (Last Flowers, Bangers + Mash, and 4 Minute Warning), in my opinion, are better than most of the songs on the first disc. Go Radiohead.

Dear Red Sox Nation People

Hi Red Sox Nation. How're you doing? Still pretty annoying, I see. I have a few favors to ask of you. I was hoping you could use your influence and tenacity to pull some of these off:

1. Get Manny Ramirez to clean the poop off of his batting helmet.

2. Don't hold up signs that say, "Manny Ramirez is the next American Idol". That doesn't make any sense. It's not clever. It's not funny. Try harder, please.

3. Tell Josh Beckett to shave his dick duster and his landing strip.

4. Tell Kevin Youkilis to not look so much like the dwarf from Lord of the Rings (I think his name is Gimli).

5. If you know someone in Red Sox Nation that has no direct connection with the city of Boston (i.e. wasn't born there, hasn't ever lived there, doesn't have family from there, etc.) please kick him/her out of Red Sox Nation and tell him/her to cheer for his/her respective hometown team.

Thanks.

Trashcan Candy: My Halloween DVD Recommendations

It’s almost Halloween. My favorite time of year. The smells of autumn and decay and muddy, grass-stained footballs. Piles of leaves and pumpkins, some carved, some painted. Costumes: ninjas, pirates, soldiers, draculas, ghosts, princesses, transformers, yodas, pokemons, cowboys, and assorted creativity. Plastic bags and pillow cases. Night arrives earlier. I eat candy, those mini Snickers and Twix and Kit Kat and Hershey’s dark chocolate. I avoid the disgusting Mounds and Almond Joys. Fuck those; trade ‘em for something tasty. I don’t like caramel apples. I don’t want fruit with my candy, just candy. I savor the hard candies like Sweet Tarts and Nerds and Jolly Ranchers. Give me some chewy, teeth sticking stuff too. Real cavity creators. Sour Patch Kids and Swedish Fish. Laffy Taffy. No lemon or orange flavored Starburst, please; I like the cherry and the strawberry ones. Same goes with Skittles, Blo-Pops and Dum Dums. Mmmmm…Tootsie Rolls and Charleston Chew. I absolutely loathe those sickass, sugar-covered orange jelly things. Candy corns are nasty too; Lewis Black told me so. Throw those in the trash. Trashcan candy. I munch candy and watch movies. I watch horror movies into the late hours.

I’ve decided to compile a list of horror movies that I’ve seen in the past year. Some of them are pretty obscure. I’m not going to include any of the traditional horror films in this list; you’ve probably already seen those and I didn’t want to make this into a best-of competition. Many of you will be content with watching Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Alien, The Exorcist, Scream, The Shining, Poltergeist, etc. This list is for those who are looking for something new and different. Some of these films are great; some are awful. It’s all about personal taste. I have attempted to categorize these films to facilitate your selection process.

1. Creature Features:

--Evil Aliens: I’ve already posted a review of this movie here. If you don’t want to read the review, the title of this movie says it all. Crazy-ass evil aliens come to earth and do some crazy-ass evil things. This movie is gory, crude, and crass. It’s only for those who relish abundant gore. Watch it with the kids.

--Cemetery Gates: A movie about a mutant Tasmanian devil. Seriously. This devil rips and shreds everything in its path. Lots of blood and severed limbs. The guys from KNB provide the gore effects and even have a small cameo. If you like gory horror/comedies, check this out. Amazing stuff.

--Abominable: An interesting take on the Bigfoot legend. I think this played on the Sci-Fi channel, but if you only saw it there, you need to rent the R-rated version. The plot is loosely based on Hitchcock’s Rear Window. Watch it for the best face-bite scene ever. Boobies included with rental.

2. Ghost Stories/Supernatural:

--Dead End: A family is on its way to visit the relatives for Christmas. The husband/father decides to take a shortcut. Things go wrong. This stretch of road and the woods beyond seem haunted. Dead End is a scary, atmospheric flick that relies on creating tension with subtlety.

--The Abandoned: One of those low-budget, After Dark Horrorfest movies. This is the best-directed one of the bunch. It’s a haunted house story with great visuals and some legitimately scary moments.

--Master’s of Horror: The Black Cat: I reviewed this a while ago here. Stuart Gordon directs this installment of the Master’s of Horror series. The story revolves around Edgar Allan Poe (played perfectly by Jeffery Combs) as he tries desperately to pen his famous tale, The Black Cat. This is my favorite episode from both seasons of Master’s of Horror.

3. Werewolves:

--Ginger Snaps: I wish more people would see this film. It’s an amazing, low-budget werewolf movie with a great story. Two sisters with macabre sensibilities face some difficult times when one of them is bitten by a werewolf. The dialog is crisp and hilarious. The direction is great. The acting (especially of the two leads) is perfect. Highly recommended. Rent it, dammit.

--Big Bad Wolf: This movie features a wiseass, shit-talking werewolf. He’s mean and vulgar and hungry. The werewolf costume is pretty funny; you can totally tell it’s a guy in a suit. His face looks hilarious. This film lags in the middle section but delivers the gore.

4. Crazy Killers:

--Satan’s Little Helper: This is the craziest, most twisted movie on this list. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. There’s this really annoying kid that plays the lead part. He has a video game he constantly plays called Satan’s Little Helper. On Halloween, the kid encounters a costumed killer who he believes is Satan. The kid follows this dude around and helps him out. Bizarre and creepy.

--Penny Dreadful: Another After Dark Horrorfest film. The plot consists of a girl named Penny who has a fear of cars (she was in a traumatic auto accident when she was a kid). As part of her therapy, her psychiatrist takes her on a road trip. They pick up a hitchhiker. All goes to shit. This is a pretty intense little film. I liked it a lot.

--The Breed: In this movie, the crazy killers are dogs. A bunch of kids go to an island to party. The island used to have some government facility that did some sort of genetic engineering testing (you know the drill). A bunch of angry dogs that live on the island attack the kids. Michelle Rodriguez is in this. Real dogs are used…no CGI.

5. Vampires:

--The Insatiable: Another film that I reviewed here. This is a vampire movie, but not in the traditional sense. It’s a character driven piece that features decent acting and writing. There’s not a lot of gore here and it’s not all that scary, but it’s worth taking a look at if you like this kind of stuff.

--The Thirst: This movie kind of reminds me of Near Dark. It centers on a group of vampires that hang out together and party in that bloody vampire way; they go clubbing. Tits and blood and Jeremy Sisto. The vampire’s addiction to blood is portrayed like an addict’s addiction to heroin. There’s a lot of dark humor here; some plays well, some doesn’t.

So, that’s it…my long-ass (think of butts from 80’s T&A films, like Porky’s or Up The Creek) list. I hope some of you take a little time out of your busy Halloween schedule to enjoy one or two of these films. I apologize in advance if you have a bad experience. Remember, these are horror movies, and low-budget ones at that. Keep your expectations low. Watch with alcohol. Keep your pants on.

Down In Downtown Denver

Every once in a while, I need a good dose of heavy music. My friend and I went to the Ogden Theatre in downtown Denver on Monday night to see Down. I got my dose, plus some (can you say "hot box"). Down is from New Orleans and features members Phil Anselmo (Pantera) and Pepper Keenan (Corrosion of Conformity). Anselmo handles all the vocals while Keenan supplies the relentless riffage. There was no opening act for the show...a trend that more bands need to follow, especially for Monday night shows. A white sheet was draped in front of the stage where old concert footage of 70's metal bands (Skynyrd, Sabbath, Thin Lizzy, AC/DC) was projected. When the videos ended, a series of shots of the band and album artwork were displayed to the sound of live feedback and then the sheet dropped and the place went nuts and Down launched into their first song. Since I'm in my 30's, I decided to wear earplugs and enjoy the show from the upper tier of the theatre, away from the shaved-head, goateed, tatted up angry motherfuckers. Everyone fired up their joints and the place quickly became enshrouded in a thick fog of stinky leaf smoke. The dude next to me lit up and promptly had a bunch of white-trash bitches begging at his side. This guy would scream "Yeah....Fuck Yeah" in a perfect Macho Man Randy Savage imitation between every song. It was always that way: Yeah, pause-pause-pause, Fuck Yeah. He did this at least fifty times. I totally remembered this dude from the Clutch show I went to at the Gothic last Spring. A fat, fiftyish bald dude with child-molester glasses a few seats over was totally laughing at the macho man. Awesome. Down rocked. I especially liked the songs they played from the new album, which in my opionion is their best. My favorite moments were On March the Saints, Ghosts Along the Mississippi, N.O.D., and Three Suns and One Star. The only songs I didn't know were the ones they played off their first album. I don't own that one. I must not be a true Down fan because all true fans own the first record. I heard that Anselmo wanted to remix it and re-release it, so I'm waiting. Down played for about two hours including the encore.

Now for the negatives. Some kind of melee ensued in the crowd near the stage, forcing the band to stop mid-song and kick some dumbasses out of the show. Note to dumbasses: This is a concert. You should be having fun. If you drink too much and smoke too much weed you are an asshole and deserve to be kicked out of any show if you are ruining the experience for those around you. I hate you. The other thing that bothered me about the show was Phil Anselmo's lame banter between songs. He was definitely stoned and it showed. He kept preaching about how meaningful his lyrics were and how we all needed to read them and "study that shit". Cool, dude. Pot-head philosophy drives me crazy. Just because you smoke weed, you are not some ultra-intelligent bastard living on a higher intellectual plane. You are a pot-smoker. Your lyrics aren't deep. They fit the songs and I enjoy them, but they aren't going to change my life. Thanks for trying, though.

Judd Apatow and Another Reason To Hate Moby

I recently finished watching the series Undeclared on DVD. Before that, I watched Freaks and Geeks (thanks Molly), also on DVD. Both of these amazing shows are Judd Apatow productions. They each sadly lasted only one season on network television. I remember seeing one episode of Freaks and Geeks during its network run. It was the final episode and it stood out because they used two Grateful Dead songs, Ripple and Box of Rain, in a couple of scenes. I thought that was cool. Since that was the last episode, I didn’t see the others and soon forgot about the show. A year later I remember seeing the previews for a new Fox series about college freshmen called Undeclared. I was in my second year of grad school at BYU and I remember thinking that the show looked like it was only going to be about kids getting drunk and having sex. Those activities were taboo to me at the time because I believed everything I was taught by a bunch of octogenarians in conservative business suits. LDS theology proclaims that drinking alcohol and having sex outside of marriage are big no-no’s. That’s my reason for not watching Undeclared when it initially ran. I’m saddened that I used to be so closed-minded. If you liked The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked-Up, and Superbad, you should definitely check these out (if you haven’t already seen them). Don’t rent them or burn them; go to your favorite store or online retailer and buy them. You will want to watch them more than once and share them with everyone you know.

The following is a quote from Rodney Rothman, one of the writers on Undeclared. It is the introduction to the Parents’ Weekend episode taken from the booklet included with the DVD set. I think it’s hilarious. It’s about Moby.

“John Hamburg and I really wanted Marshall to have a poster on his dorm wall of Moby. And when Marshall’s dad saw the poster of Moby, we wanted Marshall to tell his dad how much he loved Moby and for Marshall’s dad to tell his son that he thought Moby looked like a “fetus”. But then Moby wouldn’t clear the poster for use in the show, and we couldn’t do the joke. How much does that suck, because that joke would have been so funny, and my guess is it would have saved the whole show and we’d still be on the air now. Well, guess what, Moby? I don’t have to ask your permission to say you look like a fetus in this episode introduction.”

The Box Office Biznuts

I was looking at the Box Office top 10 for last weekend. I wasn't too surprised by what I observed. Part of being cynical is accepting the bad with the worse. The only light I see at the end of this colon is that the summer movie season is nearly over. Here are the results:

1. Rush Hour 3
2. The Bourne Ultimatum
3. The Simpsons Movie
4. Stardust
5. Underdog
6. Hairspray
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
8. Harry Potter 5
9. No Reservations
10. Transformers

Can you guess what I'm upset about? All of these movies are rated PG-13 or PG. Where are my R-rated movies? I want some movies that can say the fuckword and actually show blood when people get shot and killed. I want some movies that aren’t scared to show Ashley’s Judds or Kevin’s Bacon. I want some movies where my peer-group can sit and enjoy a film without being interrupted by the bright-blue beacons of our nation’s demise.

Fact: Of the top 100 grossing films of all time, only 10 are R-rated (source = imdb).
Inference: If Hollywood wants to produce movies that make money, they want movies that are not rated R.

I don’t want to have to wait for DVD to get the R-rated version of Die Hard 4. That’s the version I wanted to see in the theatre, not some watered-down PG-13 marketing tool. Die Hard 1, 2, and 3 were all rated R. Who demanded a PG-13 Die Hard movie? A few years ago, the movie-going public was treated to the execrable Alien vs. Predator. All four Alien movies are rated R. The two Predator movies are both rated R. This unwarranted sequel gets a PG-13. Why?

The summer movie marketing strategy is to entice teens to the theatre so they can buy Axe Body Spray and Coca-Cola and make-out and text their friends on their cell phones while not watching the shitty movies that Hollywood thinks they want to see. I think Hollywood's goal is to make all theatrical releases PG-13. It has been trending that way for years. Most parents don't care about the age-13 admonition. I see kids younger than 13 in these movies all the time. It's okay for junior to see someone get shot just as long as no blood is shown. That way, when he grows up, he'll know that it's okay to shoot people because they don't really bleed. It's okay for kids to watch John Tucker try to have sex with every girl in his high school before he graduates. It's good for your daughter's self-esteem. At least when I go to an R-rated movie, I know what I'm getting. No, I'm not advocating taking your children to R-rated movies. I just don't think the PG-13 dumping ground is a better solution. The ratings system needs to be revamped and the consumers need to demand a better product. But, all is in vain. America has spoken. America wants more Chuck and Larry.

Side Note: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry just broke $100 million. How the fuck did that happen? Who actually saw that movie? Please don’t admit it if you did (just tell me if you like NASCAR…I’ll figure out the rest). Rush Hour 3 opened to $50 million. Didn’t we already see this movie twice?!? When does Shanghai Whatever come out? I can’t wait for that one. I hope it’s rated R so I can see Owen’s Wilson.

An Open Letter To Best Buy

I would like to register a complaint with Best Buy. I am too lazy to call them, email them, or talk to one of the managers at my local store. I also think any attempts by those means would be fruitless. I would rather type and post this open letter so that my friends may read it and perhaps share the agony of my recent shopping experiences (not really all that recent, this has been going on for at least the past two years). They might even commiserate.

I shop at Best Buy at least once a week. I know that sounds like a lot. Sometimes, I go there more than once a week. I am what some would term a “media whore”. I love CD’s, DVD’s, videogames, and other assorted electronic appurtenances. I am a Tuesday Shopper (if you don’t know what that means, you don’t feel my pain). I spend a lot of my well-earned money at Best Buy. I am a legit customer.

Here’s my complaint. Every time I take my purchases to the register, dig for my wallet, and prepare to check-out, a certain anxiety hits me. A knowledge of the forthcoming. A fear of the imminent. I retrieve my debit card to pay for my goods, and without fail, the lovely check-out employee (associate, team-member, whatever they are calling them these days) asks me if I have a Best Buy Rewards card. I say no. “Would you like to hear about the benefits of having one?” I reply, no. “Oh, since you are purchasing your items today with a debit/credit card, you are entitled to eight free issues of one of these magazines (check-out dude/chick holds up pamphlet with magazine descriptions).” Sweat breaks out on my brow. My heart rate spikes. I need a Xanax. I wave my hand in a no-gesture while mumbling something about thanks, but no thanks (like I should be the one thankful for the offer), blah, blah, blah. I take my newly-purchased items and receipt and run for the exit. This happens every goddamned time. It’s always the same, except for the running part. Sometimes I just walk.

I have been shopping at the same Best Buy store for the past two years. I understand that there is probably a high employee turnover rate and I don’t expect any employees to remember my inconsequential face. I’m just really tired of them pushing the Rewards Card and the magazine subscriptions on me. I’d probably be less irritated if they only pushed the Rewards Card. The magazine thing really, really, really pisses me off. If I wanted a subscription for magazines, I’d answer my door when the monthly, formerly meth-addicted magazine salespeople come-a-knocking in my apartment complex. Fuck. I don’t want you’re eight free issues. Your magazines suck. I don’t want your magazine people to have my debit/credit card number so they can harass me when my eight free issues have expired and can begin charging me for full subscriptions to magazines that I don’t give a rat’s puckered butthole about. Stop asking me about the damn magazines. The worst part is when I get stuck in line behind some septuagenarians who get confused by this break in their normal shopping routine. “What…free magazines? I’m not sure, what do you think, dear? Do we have to pay? What magazines are those? Hmm…I kind of like Time and Entertainment Weekly. Do we already get Time, honey?” Et cetera. Here I am in line, scratching my balls, waiting to buy my DVD copy of Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Anything you can do, as a store, to shorten my time in line would be much appreciated.

I have a solution. I figure that most of your shoppers who are old enough to own a debit/credit card are also literate enough to read a sign (those who can’t read wouldn’t want them anyways). Get a big sign that proclaims the virtues of the “eight free magazine issue promotion” and hang it above the registers. Make it fucking blinding, hot pink for all I care: huge-ass block letters, 3-D, with a Spanish translation. That way, if people are interested in your free magazines, they can ask you about it. I’m not placing any blame on the check-out kids. They have a shitty job. They have to push what their managers tell them to push. I’m sure that they hate having to ask every customer if they want in on this great magazine deal. This goes all the way up to the corporate level. Come up with a new corporate marketing strategy on this issue. Please. I’m sick of it. Leave me alone. I’m off to watch Howie Long in Firestorm.

Yours truly,

Silentkid